These past few months have been...A LOT. Basically: my Grandma passed at the end of May, another friend tragically took his life a few weeks ago, my parents came for a visit, and my WHOLE family just gathered to scatter my grandparents ashes in the mountains. All the while, I left my corporate job and have been trying to launch my own business, moved, have traveled to New York, Chicago (twice), and Colorado, and have been setting up my brick and mortar retail spot. This has been the past FOUR months. That's a shit ton of life to cram into 120 days and my brain and spirit feel like they need a break. I need more nature, more quiet time, more meditation, and more space to figure out what I do next. So, I'm going to figure out how to make that happen. More to come...

So, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I left my corporate job of 15 years (!!!) where I earned a very generous salary and lots of "perks" to truly give this creative dream a shot. It's been just under 90 days since I had my last day on June 23, and I would probably describe these last few months as...STRANGE.
I have spent my entire working life in a structured, corporate, 9-5 environment--even my first job in High School was at a popular ice cream chain--with layers upon layers of management and specific goals and targets, rule books to follow, corporate guidelines, etc. I have been taking on freelance projects here and there, but always as a supplement to my "day job". To suddenly switch into full-time "freelancer" mode is an extremely strange feeling. I think these past few months have been an exercise in WHAT exactly this new life looks and feels like. The hardest things for me to reconcile between old life/new life are Structure, When It's OK to Work for Free, Setting My Worth, and Work/Life Balance, so I thought I'd break it down over the next few posts. I'll start with Structure today:

​STRUCTURE: Somedays, I have to force myself to shower. There are A LOT of days that it doesn't happen at all. When I used to wake up, it was by alarm, usually around 6:30a, and typically to shower and run out the door, hair still wet and one shoe in my hand headed to a meeting somewhere in the Valley. These days, structured meetings are more rare--the occasional photo shoot with an early start time or meeting with a collaborator pops onto the calendar, but for the most part I am setting the timing and content of my day. WHAT A DREAM! But, also, so different than what I've always known. The parameters of a corporate job, even one as consulting based as my old career, kept me in check in a lot of ways. By Monday I kinda new what the week looked like and could work around it. Now, I think too much restriction would hinder my need for a more creative flow, however I do see the value in having some basic parameters for myself. Less plaster cast, more jello mold. Just something to loosely keep my days, weeks, and projects in check a bit.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what this looks like, but I think the key is routine with flexibility and forgiveness for myself when things don't quite fit the (jello) mold.
Holiday season is coming, so I will put this into practice and report back in another 90 days!!

Having a spiritual awakening manifests in lots of ways, but the most evident one, for me, is just how much more compelled I am to try and do the "right" thing.  To lead a life of more integrity and honesty.  In general, I would say I've been a decent human over the past 40 years, but I've definitely had my moments that I'm not proud of.  I had no qualms about little white lies, and sometimes big lies too.  I have cheated at things, stolen, and am absolutely guilty of partaking in a good round of gossip when it took the focus off of me and onto someone else.  Anything that made my life easier in the moment, seemed to be fair game.
I would say the past few years I have started to notice the misaligned parts of myself more and more, and after the "egg cracked" last year (by egg I mean ME) I have definitely looked at these things through a different lens.  One of the main aspects to spiritual awakening for me is that you become acutely aware that we are all parts of one whole, and that the things I do are not done in isolation...they create ripples out in the world.  It has become as if I have a "Big Brother" camera on me at all times, which in reality is just my own conscious, that made me start to observe my actions from an external perspective.  I question motive and intention so much more, and actively try to live my life with more integrity.  This isn't to seem "holier than thou", trust me- I have to work on it everyday and some days are better than others...but I definitely notice that I have a strong pull to want to do things BETTER than what I would have in the past.  
Real Life Example: Recently, I moved out of my loft downtown and into a new place.  When it came time to get the deposit back, I saw the breakdown of amounts and it said the initial deposit was $1100 and I would be getting abut $300 back (after partial rent and cleaning fees, etc).  I remembered that I had been part of a special discount when I put the deposit down, and it had only been $600, not the usual $1100.  
Now, I just left my high paying 9 to 5 to basically be a freelance artist person.  That $300 would be a nice little extra padding for the months ahead, but instead I figured out I OWED them about $200.  My stomach turned.  UGH.  Former Beckee would have justified it a million different ways. 
"They are a big corporation, they don't NEED my $200 but I NEED the $300..."
"They OWE me because I never paid rent late and I never went to any of the free happy hour things!"
You know the drill...the ways we justify NOT doing the thing that feels right in our gut.  I am so good at the justification game, let me tell you! 
But, Beckee 2.0 knew that Big Brother (higher self me) wants to live a life of greater integrity whether it meant $3 or $30,000.  So, I emailed the property manager and let him know about the mistake in accounting. I told him I was aware I would probably owe THEM a few hundred dollars, and you know what? It felt GOOD.  Like, I didn't compromise the person I want to be over some money. And you know what's even better?  His reply:
Oh Rebecca,

I do miss a resident like you that will go out of their way to tell us when they think we're giving them too much money BACK.

You paid a cat deposit.  =)

Enjoy your money and your life!!!!

Best regards,
And just like that, I realized the reward in just doing the right thing.  As small as it seems, nothing has felt that good in a long time, and I am so grateful for the lesson!