Having a spiritual awakening manifests in lots of ways, but the most evident one, for me, is just how much more compelled I am to try and do the "right" thing. To lead a life of more integrity and honesty. In general, I would say I've been a decent human over the past 40 years, but I've definitely had my moments that I'm not proud of. I had no qualms about little white lies, and sometimes big lies too. I have cheated at things, stolen, and am absolutely guilty of partaking in a good round of gossip when it took the focus off of me and onto someone else. Anything that made my life easier in the moment, seemed to be fair game.
I would say the past few years I have started to notice the misaligned parts of myself more and more, and after the "egg cracked" last year (by egg I mean ME) I have definitely looked at these things through a different lens. One of the main aspects to spiritual awakening for me is that you become acutely aware that we are all parts of one whole, and that the things I do are not done in isolation...they create ripples out in the world. It has become as if I have a "Big Brother" camera on me at all times, which in reality is just my own conscious, that made me start to observe my actions from an external perspective. I question motive and intention so much more, and actively try to live my life with more integrity. This isn't to seem "holier than thou", trust me- I have to work on it everyday and some days are better than others...but I definitely notice that I have a strong pull to want to do things BETTER than what I would have in the past.
Real Life Example: Recently, I moved out of my loft downtown and into a new place. When it came time to get the deposit back, I saw the breakdown of amounts and it said the initial deposit was $1100 and I would be getting abut $300 back (after partial rent and cleaning fees, etc). I remembered that I had been part of a special discount when I put the deposit down, and it had only been $600, not the usual $1100.
Now, I just left my high paying 9 to 5 to basically be a freelance artist person. That $300 would be a nice little extra padding for the months ahead, but instead I figured out I OWED them about $200. My stomach turned. UGH. Former Beckee would have justified it a million different ways.
"They are a big corporation, they don't NEED my $200 but I NEED the $300..."
"They OWE me because I never paid rent late and I never went to any of the free happy hour things!"
You know the drill...the ways we justify NOT doing the thing that feels right in our gut. I am so good at the justification game, let me tell you!
But, Beckee 2.0 knew that Big Brother (higher self me) wants to live a life of greater integrity whether it meant $3 or $30,000. So, I emailed the property manager and let him know about the mistake in accounting. I told him I was aware I would probably owe THEM a few hundred dollars, and you know what? It felt GOOD. Like, I didn't compromise the person I want to be over some money. And you know what's even better? His reply:
I do miss a resident like you that will go out of their way to tell us when they think we're giving them too much money BACK.
You paid a cat deposit. =)
Enjoy your money and your life!!!!
And just like that, I realized the reward in just doing the right thing. As small as it seems, nothing has felt that good in a long time, and I am so grateful for the lesson!
i am beckee.
Lover, Writer, Artist, Curser, Creator, Moonchild, LA Dweller, and Star Gazer on a Quest to Find the Beauty and Love in Everything